I was too young, in class 5 or 6 when I felt attracted towards a woman. I didn't understand much of it, but I felt maybe I am a lesbian. Even though, there were moments when I felt Iike a man and it made me happy but for years I lived with this acceptance that I was a simple woman attracted to other women.
How I knew this isn't my body
It was in a Pride Parade while I was talking to someone, they said "I think you are a guy", and in that one small moment I knew I was a guy. What I felt all this while wasn't my false notions but my inner sense telling me who I really am.
That’s when I decided to tell my parents.
told my dad, but he didn't too respond well to it. He told my mom that I can have the operation only when I grow up & earn money on my own. Until then, while I was still in the school, he wanted to delay it. But I couldn’t take it any longer. I could't bear to wear skirts to my school so I started bunking.
I knew I must change my sex, but I had no idea how to go about it. That if it's even possible in India and not. I was so adamant & so were my friends and my twin sister. They were so supportive in trying to convince my parents. My sister would tell my mom how much I was suffering.
That when I’d be in the shower, I would scratch my body because I didn't want my private parts. I felt like I am going crazy in my body, like I am trapped somewhere and the only way out it to get out of this body through operation.
I kept telling her that it's too much & I couldn’t take my body, that this wasn’t me. At first, she struggled to understand me & kept asking me how this was possible. So, I would google doctors and show them to her.
I found out that the operation is, in fact, possible in India. I managed to convince her to at least go & talk to a doctor once.
Journey to real self
My dad was so against it that he asked my mom to live separately with me. But she didn’t give up trying to convince him. And so, slowly but eventually, he finally gave in! He understood & said that he’d take care of everything. Once he agreed, everything went very smoothly. December 2016 is when we began our journey of finding doctors & consulting psychologists.
It wasn’t easy but the best moment of my life was after my first operation.
I was so happy to finally have found my soul. It took me 2 years to make them understand that this isn’t a mental issue. I feel amazing now & I feel blessed. That's all I can say.
What's next?
The only thing I want now is to have the government include this operation & its medication in their mediclaim plans, because they are indeed very expensive & many people who need them can’t afford them.
-Words by
Aaryan Banerjee is a Transman, and an activist who fights everyday to tell people being a Trans is not a mental disease but a mistake of nature!
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