When was the first time you lost your innocence? When was the first time you forgot to smile? When was the first time you felt threatened? Few questions which took me back to when it all started.
I have always heard of the phrase “you don’t know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have”, but I never understood the meaning of it until ‘being strong’ was the only choice left. My journey started at a very young age, when my life was just about magic.
I was a very happy child in my childhood, I use to smile a lot and talk a lot. My neighbour was a man older than me whom I used to call uncle and me and my sister used to go to his house to play. Everything was fun until one day when his brother came and everything changed. As per our routine we went to his house to play but due to some work he had to leave and his brother was home, so we stayed there since we were kids and we just wanted to watch television. I was six years old and my sister was four years old, as we were watching television suddenly he came and sat on a chair near me. As I was busy watching television he suddenly picked me up and put me up on his lap and started kissing me. I was a child and I didn’t know why he was kissing me like that, I didn’t like it at all and I pushed him back. As I did this he took me to the other room and locked the door and my sister was watching television in the front room. I was a child but then also I knew that something was not right so I hid under his bed thinking he won’t be able to come there. Since he was the perpetrator, he sensed my fear and pulled me out and put me on his bed and took off my pants. That was the first time when I felt so afraid and threatened . I didn’t know what to do and I also didn’t want to get hurt so I started praying to God because I didn’t know what else to do. I guess that day god heard me because when he started unbuttoning his pant suddenly the doorbell rang and his brother came back as he forgot something. I took the advantage of that situation and I ran out of that house with my sister. After that incident I never went to that place and I didn’t speak to anyone. I lost my innocence, I lost my smile, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I lost myself.
I never knew that at such a young age I would have to learn the meaning of being a ‘girl’. One thing I am unable to understand is that how can someone sexualise a child or even think of raping them. That incident changed my whole life. I never told anyone about what had happened to me in my childhood because of that I could never talk, I couldn’t make friends, I couldn’t trust. I have suffered my whole life because I couldn’t raise my voice against all the abuse I faced.
It was not only one time as it was just the beginning. I didn’t think about that what has happened once could happen again. I have experienced many sexual abuses and rapes till I was twenty one and I could never raise my voice. I was late in realising that I don’t have to suffer because of the harassment I faced. But, when I realised that enough is enough that was the best day of my life. The first time I fought for myself, for my freedom. I will never forget that day when my parents wanted me to stay home but I knew If I will not speak up now then I could never stand up again. So, I know it did hurt them but I had to do that, otherwise I wouldn’t have got my freedom. The first time I came to Delhi far away from home, I felt free, I felt confident, I felt like I can do anything. I always knew I am strong and I have fallen many times but I have risen again with more strength. Everyone is different, we all cope up with our problems differently. I forgave everyone who did bad to me because if I would have not then I would have been suffering till now, but I never forgot what they did. I want all those people to suffer who ruined my childhood alias my life.
I realised that if I will not stand up for myself now then my whole life would be like this. Raising your voice is important but at the same time it is very hard too. It is not easy to express what you are going through. It takes lot of courage to stand up for yourself but it is equally important. I never want that what I have suffered, anyone else also suffer. I didn’t raise my voice because I was afraid, it was not just a physical abuse but also an emotional abuse. But now that I realise I have started to reach out to more people like me. I want women out there to know the importance of speaking up. It will never be easy but it will always be worth it. Even if one woman comes out she will not be standing for herself but for all the women out there who have faced sexual abuse.
Society teaches us to be quiet but we don’t have to, we need to stand up against all those harassers who think they can do anything. People will always try to bring us down but we have to stand up strong. We need to understand the importance of speaking up. There are many laws made up for women’s safety even if they are not implemented strongly then also we have it all there. All that we have to do is not let any harasser let go free and do this to any other woman. We can do whatever we want to, we just have to realise how much power we hold if we come out strong.
The purpose of writing this story is to let out what I have been keeping inside me for so long. There are very less cases reported about sexual harassment because we choose to be quiet. Our silence can make other women to suffer like us and our voice can stop from other women to suffer like us. Every incident changes our life but it can never break us down. I suffered my whole life because I chose silence but not anymore. It is important to understand that how one voice can change other lives. We cannot change what happened but we can change what happens next. All we have to do is be strong and speak up against all the bullying we face.
-Kratika Kharera
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